2005-07-04 - 12:54 a.m.

i'm such a dork. but thats ok.
at school i almost started to cry the other day. it was a good almost cry. my friend kristy said she couldn't picture me crying which is so weird. b/c i'm a big cryer. when it comes to books, movies, life in general. i'm emotional. even songs. these past two nights i watched two movies. completly different movies but non the less i cried during both. first i watched saving private ryan which i had not seen in awhile. saw it twice in the theater whenever it came out. but anyways, that is one beautiful movie. the characters depicted are so emotional. i cried when wade, the medic died. and then again at the end when tom hanks character died and told private ryan to "earn this, earn it". damn. it makes me want to live a better life. what a feeling that man must have had. knowing that men died to save him.
the other movie tonight was the object of my affection. i've seen this before too. not a great movie by any means. but i like it. i guess i feel like jennifer aniston's character right now. liking maybe loving a man that doesn't return that same love. yeah its a completly different situation since my guy isn't gay and we don't live together. but whatever. it just touched me. now i'm listening to my sad/slow songs by jack johnson and ben harper. i love these guys so much. brilliant what they do with a guitar and their voice.
its been awhile since i've written. i'm sure no one reads this since its been eions. but i guess i wanted to get some things out. therapy of sorts.
i'm still confused as always just about different things.
i graduate soon. like in a month. what am i going to do? i really really hope massage therapy was a good choice and i succeed. others believe in my ability so why don't i? i'm so damn lazy.
"and now its just another lonely day....ben harper song"
yeah so i'm still in AZ for at least another year. i am still glad i moved. i've grown so much. even though i don't feel more confident i think i am in ways. i think i send out that vibe. lots more people like me out here then in ct. i still act weird when there is a lot of people. i'm working on that. or maybe i'm not. maybe i like who i am. who the hell knows . i'm only 23. i like that age. sounds better then 22.
i like a new guy too. its ok to like a few people. i see him as a person i could marry. he is so stable and similiar to me too. though i don't know him that well. we talk almost every day just for short amounts of time. he is the manager at a place i go to eat every day before work. today we talked for about an hour after he got out of work. it was nice. i like meeting people that i don't feel like i have to apologize for the way i am. the guy i'm "seeing" , i sort of feel like that sometimes. like i'm not good enough. i know its stupid. we arn't even together. thats what gets to me. ya know.
well i'm done writing for now. hopefully i will do this again sometime.
i'm out

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